I had an interesting discussion with my mother the other day. At her age of 94 she is looking back at her life and expressing sadness for those desires that did not come true. She loves children and had always dreamed of having a grandchild of her own. In a way I’m saddened for her that she couldn’t fulfill all of her life desires.
The topic came up unexpectedly, and the way she talked to me made it sound like she was blaming me for her unrealized desire. Funny, after I hung up the phone, I found myself at peace, surprised by my reaction, or rather non-reaction, to her words. Years ago, I would have felt attacked and tried to defend myself. This time, I simply listened.
The timing couldn’t have been better when, hours later, I stumbled on Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés’ “guidelines for choosing a mate,” she wrote for her three grown daughters. If you haven’t heard of her, she is a writer and Jungian psychoanalyst, best known for her New York Times bestseller “Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype” (1992).
Within her rather extensive set of guidelines, the following stood out like a beacon of light: “Choose someone who is able to overlook certain faults or characteristics and know what you can live with… However, several things are intolerable and unacceptable in a lifelong relationship:
- Alcoholism
- Substance abuse
- Gambling
- Criminal activity
- Anything that takes a person away from their true soul life
- A person who cannot tell the truth
- A person who cannot give
- A person who cannot face you after they have made a mistake and who tries to cover it over in a dramatic and large way instead
Accepting any of these would be like starting a relationship on swamp ground.”
Here is a link to the twelve-point bullet list from Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, if you’re curious to see which ones resonate with you and which don’t. By the way, they don’t all resonate with me and chances are that some that will resonate with you may not resonate with me.
Since I’m on this topic, I’m also going to share a much simpler, five-point bullet list I like, from Dr. Henry Kellerman, another psychoanalyst:
- Mind: Is what he or she says interesting to you?
- Eye: Does she or he appeal to your eye?
- Heart: Does your heart feel love, and loved?
- Stomach: In your gut, does it feel like he or she is a good person?
- Behavior: Is her or his behavior good?
Here is the link to his insightful article in case you want to dive deeper.
And, if you want to have more fun, go ahead and try to “marry” the two… lists!